POST 5, PART II – HI HONEY, I’M HOME!

Oh, God... Having polished off the entire bottle of Jacob’s Creek, I’ve just staggered back from my local Co-Op with a second bottle and a box of Mr Kipling’s French Fancies! I snapped on hearing that depressing ‘ding!’ the microwave makes when you’re nuking a ready-meal for one. Like it’s mocking you. Because it doesn’t just match the kettle but the toaster too – they’re a matching set, don’t you know. While you, you’re destined to walk the earth alone. Like the Incredible Hulk.

Um... I think I’m freaking out about the 30 thing. So it seemed like a good idea at the time. But as it’s a school-night, lemme tell you that it is definitely not a good idea. We’ve been here before, haven’t we, Amy? But I’m so much more receptive to the misfits on Match.com with a bucket of wine in me. And he does make exceedingly good cakes, dammit!

R-i-g-h-t, I’d best share this recipe before I lose the ability to type...

INGREDIENTS

(Makes four burgers to serve two)

300g wholemeal breadcrumbs
200g smoked salmon (no need for the posh stuff – trimmings will do)
100g frozen peas
1 egg
2 tbsp fresh or dried parsley, chopped
Freshly ground black pepper and salt, to taste
Pinch of lemon zest (optional)

3 tbsp mayonnaise
Juice of half a lemon

METHOD

1) Fire up the grill to a medium heat.

2) Bring the peas to the boil, then drain and run under cold water to cool.

3) Pulse the bread in a food processor until crumbed, then add the salmon, peas, egg, parsley and seasoning. Pulse gently until combined. Form into four burgers.

4) I’ve found that the best way to cook these babies is to lightly oil a perforated baking tray like this one, then set it on top of the grill tray. A normal tray makes the bottoms go soggy, but the burgers aren’t quite robust enough to sit on a grill tray without the risk of some falling through. Grill for around seven minutes each side.

5) While they’re cooking, whisk the lemon juice through the mayonnaise and season generously with freshly cracked black pepper. This bit’s optional, but the lemon really complements the smoked salmon. It also looks really cute served in individual dipping pots next to the burgers on the plate – shows you’ve made the extra effort!

6) Serve the burgers with a salad and some sweet potato chips. Yum!

Right, that’s all for now, my friends. And when I say ‘my friends’, I mean my mum, who is the only person reading this. And I’m not sure she’s even enjoying it. Just humouring me.

Ooh! The bipolar trainee hypnotherapist (I kid you not) who’s been emailing me on Match has just sent a new message. Lucky me. So I’d best be off.

But, in case you’re wondering, I think – yeah – I’m going to end up eating the whole box of French Fancies. This is a new low. Though not quite as low as the day I triumphantly squeezed my ass into a pair of size 10 Topshop jeans only to discover they were from its then-new maternity range. They were elasticated. Ugh, I think just one more glass of wine...

You just know this night is going to end with me eating toast and leaving all the lights on, don’t you?