Saturday 29 May 2010

POST 4, PART II: A FATAL CASE OF MAN FLU

So, my cheese and chive bread rolls... This isn’t so much a ‘recipe’ as a flavour combination – just adapt any bread roll recipe and throw in some cheese and chives. That’s what I did. Oh, and I use a bread machine so have no words of wisdom on how to successfully hand bake something. (Kinda makes you wonder why you’d bother to read this, doesn’t it?!)

I do, however, have some words of wisdom about bread machines... After several years experimenting with mine, I have discovered that the secret to baking decent bread in the damn thing is to just accept it as a glorified dough hook and cook in the oven instead. Seriously – just use the dough/pizza setting and be done with it.

INGREDIENTS

600g strong white bread flour
20g butter, cut into cubes
315ml water, room temperature
1 1/2 tsp salt
1 tbsp sugar
1 tbsp skimmed milk powder
1 1/2 tsp dried yeast
1 tsp white pepper
2 to 3 tbsp chives, chopped
100g strong cheddar cheese, grated (plus extra for topping)
1 egg, beaten

1) Preheat the oven to 200 degrees.

2) Dump everything bar the egg inside your misjudged kitchen purchase and set it to go on the dough/pizza programme for a 750g loaf. Some machines have a seed and nut dispenser, which releases extra ingredients midway through the mix so you could put your cheese and chives in there, but I really don’t think it makes a difference for ‘soft’ ingredients and don’t bother myself. I also tend to keep an eye on the mixing as sometimes it needs a dash more water and a bit of a poke round the sides where the flour gets stuck to help it along. When it’s all incorporated leave it to do its thing.

3) When the programme is complete, turn the dough out onto a floured surface and divide into eight. Gently roll them into balls and arrange on a baking tray. Word to the wise here – invest in some of this magic non-stick baking tray liner from Lakeland. It is a-mazing! I was forever chipping these rolls off the tray because of the cheese-content until I discovered this stuff. Everything just lifts straight off and it’s washable too, so lasts for ages. I resent having to oil baking trays because of the extra calories and fat, so never put enough on to make it truly non-stick, plus I don’t like the taste and texture of using loads of flour or semolina. I command you to buy it!

4) Brush the rolls with the beaten egg and sprinkle with some extra cheese. Pop them in the oven for 20 to 30 minutes. Don’t hold me to oven temperatures and times, by the way – I think it’s always best to monitor and adjust whatever you’re cooking as only you know your oven and its quirks.

5) These rolls are best served fresh and still warm. If you do freeze some, do warm them through first to freshen them up – with the cheese and without all those lovely preservatives and improvers in longer-lasting loaves, the texture can just be a bit dense when they’re cold is all.

Ed feebly finished his soup and roll, admitting – amid much prompting from myself – that he felt a bit better. Bless. He then promptly fell asleep. Confident that I’d cured him, I tended to the duvet and pillows for the umpteenth time (why do we women feel compelled to do that?!) and went to bed contemplating what a fucking awesome wife I would make someone someday...

Only to be woken a few hours later by him coughing. And I mean coughing. And coughing and coughing and coughing... If he had hacked up a shoe it wouldn’t have surprised me. Yes, his snotty nose had escalated into full-blown man flu. And, having fed him cheese and butter (dairy products only make you more mucusy – trust me, I’m a lifelong hay fever sufferer and dairy fan), I only had myself to blame for his deteriorating condition.

I tried my best to nurse him through the next day, really I did. But, sleep deprived and starting to feel pretty ropey myself, the novelty had well and truly worn off. Because, Christ, sick people are so surly and disagreeable, especially those of the male persuasion! I’ve decided that sick people have no business burdening themselves on anybody but their mother. So when I caught man flu – aka the common cold – come Monday, it was she who came to my aid (and cooked me chicken stew and dumplings, incidentally – gotta love my mum!).

Not Ed. No. Having made a full recovery, he’d buggered off back to work. But not before he’d polished off the last of the juice and drugs, the bastard. And did he return that night, as promised, with replacement provisions? Did he heck! Not that I wanted him by my bedside, mopping my brow, mind. But it’s the principal of thing... So you can add being an inconsiderate prick to the crumpled tissues thing. Our relationship never really recovered.

Thanks to superwoman Bex for the illustration!


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