So I’d been seeing this vegetarian... I know, I know. Hitler was a vegetarian, right? This doesn’t bode well. But I’m a sucker for a pair of big, brown eyes. And he was an architect, which is one of my top five favourite professions for a potential husband. So bear with me.
Adolf (am I really going to nickname him Adolf? Yeah, I think I am...), Adolf was coming round mine for dinner for the first time. What to cook? Fish, obviously. But – gasp – upon checking, I discovered that he was a bona fide vegetarian and didn’t eat fish or even bacon sandwiches, which is just silly. It was then that I knew Adolf and me could never be, but seeing as I’d just been waxed to within an inch of my life I figured why waste it?
Fortunately, I have a few good veggie recipes up my sleeve. My mum was a strict vegetarian and sometime vegan right up until she got pregnant with me. She was in a restaurant with my dad when she had a sudden, overwhelming urge to stab her fork into the rare, bloodied steak he’d ordered and wolf it down that my very existence was confirmed. Says it all, doesn’t it?!
Crazy fool that she is, she tries to return to her non meat-eating ways every now and then, so I placate her with this gorgeous mushroom and Madeira risotto recipe I’m going to share with you as well as a few other favourites... Then bore her silly with chickpeas and lentils until she caves in and has a burger come the first barbeque of the summer, mwahaha!
Sorry, but I don’t have a lot of time for all this vegetarian rubbish, myself. Of course I care about animal welfare, so I’ve tried to cut out meat before but, for me, that just isn’t sustainable and I’m an all or nothing type of girl. It’s the special occasions that get me – nut roast come Christmas morning? No, thank you. A feast just isn’t a feast unless something has died. So I do my best to buy responsibly and only eat meat once or twice a week.
But what bugs me about many veggies is their pseudo-ethical philosophies for not eating meat... Skinny girls who are just on a perpetually tedious diet. Or take my mum, who subscribes to the 'it's mean to eat animals' philosophy, presumably working toward some crazy utopia where we all keep chickens and sheep just for the pleasure of their company. I ask you, have you ever met a chicken? They’re pretty dull and kinda dumb, so what the hell else are we going to do with them. “But think of the poor little lamb-ikins”, she implores me. Why, mother? Why? They’re full-grown sheep when they go to slaughter, not cute little balls of wool bouncing round a field.
I do get the pig thing though, what with them being all friendly and intelligent like dogs. Wagging their tails... And even though I did threaten to eat my ex-dog Jack (RIP) a few times when he was misbehaving, I probably never would have. So I figure so long as I don’t go off befriending swine willy-nilly, I should be able to enjoy my bacon sarnies in peace.
Anyway, I digress. Not sure why Adolf was a vegetarian – he did mumble something about it being greener once... My boyfriend – saving the world one cow fart at a time! Brilliant. I suspect it was actually because he was a fusspot as he claimed he didn’t like fish because it “tasted fishy” this one time, the massive baby. Clearly he had to go. After I'd got some.
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