Now, people, forget dead presidents and princesses – I want you to make a mental note of where you are and what you’re doing at this precise moment... Because (drumroll, please) I am now the proud owner of a Le Creuset casserole dish. I know, I know – truly momentous news, huh? Mum finally caved for the occasion of my, ahem, 29th birthday. Good ole mum. So this is just the motivation I need to brush up my stew-making skills and future-proof my future marriage.
Here’s a lovely stew perfect for the final throes of summer – lamb stew with minty dumplings...
INGREDIENTS
(Serves four)
1kg stewing lamb
1 tbsp vegetable oil
Knob of butter
1/2 an onion, sliced
1 1/2 pints stock (lamb, chicken or vegetable)
2 carrots, thickly sliced
2 large potatoes, cubed
150g frozen peas
Salt and pepper
1 tbsp chopped parsley to serve
100g self-raising flour
50g suet
Pinch of salt
1 tbsp fresh mint, chopped
2 tbsp water
METHOD
1) Brown the meat in the oil and butter (the oil stops the butter burning – I think everyone knows that these days though...) and then add the onion and salt, and cook until softened.
2) Pour in the stock and throw in the carrots and potatoes. Leave to simmer for a good hour and a half over a moderate heat. The lamb should be nice and tender by now.
3) To make the dumpling, sift the flour into a bowl and add the suet, salt and chopped mint. Sprinkle the water over and bring together to make a soft dough, adding a drop or two more water if needed. Form into eight golf-ball sized balls.
4) Plop the dumplings into the stew and cook for a further 20 minutes until the dumplings have puffed up and are almost done. Stir in your frozen peas and cook for another 10 minutes .
5) Season with black pepper and more salt if required and serve.
What we need in this country is another bloody war, I tell you. A proper war, preferably closer to home so it’s not just something on the telly. Now, there are some naysayers who’ll tell you that war is hell and has a tendency to decrease the male population, yadda yadda yadda... But the fact of the matter is my granny had a whale of a time, thanks to Hitler and The Jerries. Not to mention a few American GIs passing through. We like a man in uniform, us girls. Sixty-some-odd years of happy marriage based on your dad yelling that this was one John you wouldn’t be writing a ‘Dear John’ letter to! So I say to those naysayers, keep your hand on your ha’penny like my granny always claimed she did and I’ll mop up the cream of the nation’s heroes come World War III.
See, for all those lads returning home from the horrors of war in search of a hot dinner and an honest bit of ‘how’s yer father’, marriage was the only option. And so if I can’t convince a man that marrying me is marginally more appealing than the past few years spent in a Japanese prisoner of war camp or nuclear wasteland, or similar such treats that England versus Germany ‘take three’ brings, I’m taking you all to hell in the proverbial handcart with me.
The only other solution I’ve come up with for the terminally single is some sort of lottery system that will see us ‘buddy up’ with a fellow OAP, like it or lump it. Because Lord knows our kids aren’t going to take care of us. Not when those hover-boards finally come in.
So lottery it is.
Ouch. You drew Beryl, a demented 93-year-old with a weak bladder who’s gagging to give your life savings away to some gypsy rogue trader come to re-tarmac your drive? Well, tough titties, gramps. Coz I got Harold, a relatively hot 77-year-old who’s gonna have to rub ointment into my ballooning knees, night after night, until he pops his clogs in his sleep. Quietly and conveniently. Leaving me comfortably well off enough to finally take that cruise I’ve always fancied...
I’m erring on the side of option one – war. Because rationing will really help with my fat knees, killing two birds with one stone.
Single women on the world – are you free Friday night? Very probably. Fancy invading Poland with me then?!
My favourite illustration yet by Bex Barrow.
Apologies for the massive dramatic pause between posts, btw. I had the audacity to switch internet service providers, which led to all sorts of fun and games – including no internet for the best part of three weeks – and kinda got me out of the habit of writing these things. But I’m back, back, back now! Hurrah!
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