POST 8, PART II: MUM’S THE WORD

Right, recipe for roast pork loin with proper crackling... I adapted this recipe from a Jamie Oliver one that involves roasting a much bigger hunk of meat over bones, which seemed a bit of a palaver to me so I’ve just nicked the seasonings, really.

INGREDIENTS
(Serves four)

1.5lb pork loin
Boiled water
Coarse sea salt

1 tbsp fresh rosemary, chopped
1/2 tsp fennel seeds
3 cloves garlic, crushed

Drizzle of olive oil
2 large carrots, washed and cut into rough chunks
3 celery sticks, washed and cut into rough chunks
1 onion, sliced
2 bay leaves
Good glug of balsamic vinegar

METHOD

1) Preheat your oven to its highest setting. Meanwhile, get cracking on your crackling – score the skin all over with a super-sharp knife in a crisscross pattern. Place the loin on a rack over your sink and pour a kettle-full of boiling water over it – this helps dry out the skin and open up the cuts. Dry thoroughly with kitchen towel. Rub generously with sea salt, really working it deep into the incisions to draw out the moisture. If I’ve got time, I like to leave the meat sitting there like that for an hour as all meat is better cooked from room temperature anyway, plus the dryer the skin is the better. I do take pride in my crackling, even though I never eat the stuff – this is one of the last meals I cooked my granddad and I remember him being terribly impressed. Good crackling is the mark of a good woman as far as he was concerned!

2) Drizzle the bottom of a roasting tin with olive oil and chuck in the carrots, celery, onion and bay leaves. Splash with balsamic vinegar – about six tablespoons is right and (IMHO) the syrupy, sweet Belazu Balsamic Vinegar is the best. Cover with about half a pint of water and place a roasting rack on top. Sit your pork loin on this and rub the skin with the rosemary, fennel seeds and garlic.

3) Roast at your highest temperature for 30 minutes and then turn the oven down to about 220 degrees. The meat will then need 30 minutes per pound, so time according to the weight you’ve bought. Another good crackling tip I heard recently was to open the oven door every 20 minutes or so for just a few seconds to let the steam escape, which seems to work. When cooking time is complete, rest your meat for at least 10 minutes.

4) What I love about this recipe is that it makes for foolproof gravy. A good mum must make good gravy – mine does, thank God, as my own efforts are consistently ghastly. I think it’s because I find the final throes of a roast dinner so stressful – the carrots are overcooked while the cabbage is raw, plus I’ve forgotten to heat the plates... So I panic when it comes to gravy, my Achilles heel. I once ruined a Christmas dinner subscribing to my ‘more is more’ policy when it comes to wine and made gravy that tasted like you’d just spilled a whole glass of Chardonnay over your turkey. But this is so simple even I can’t screw it up. Sieve the liquid at the bottom of your roasting pan into a pint jug, giving the veg a good squish to get the juices out. Leave it to settle for a few minutes so you can skim off the fat. Meanwhile, melt a knob of butter in a pan over a gentle heat and whisk in a tablespoon of flour or cornflour to create a roux, then gradually whisk in the liquid to make a gravy. Job done!

5) Serve with steamed carrots, green veg and – what else?! – roast potatoes. And on the subject of tatties, I have Queen Nigella to thank for the best potato tip ever – rather than cutting your average-sized potato into straight quarters, you cut it into three on an angle, thereby creating the optimum surface area for roasting. Devilishly simple! Nigella’s ‘patented roast potato technique’ as she called it on her show. You will never chop potatoes for roasting the same way again, promise.

So, future kids – this is the one roast dinner you can look forward to without having to stomach my terrible homemade gravy. Or maybe I’ll have surrendered to the Bisto and Aunt Bessie’s by then...

The closest I’ve come to motherhood was a bad case of constipation three Christmases ago. It had been a full three months since I’d last slept with someone – whilst on the pill and using a condom, plus I’d had my period in between – so it was absurd. But I do worry about the prospect of unwanted pregnancy... I once had a fumble in the silver closet with a sergeant twice my age when I was in the army (working as a mess waitress at sweet 16, but it sounds better that way). I spent a full week worrying I was pregnant even though no bodily fluids were exchanged and I was wearing tights the whole time. I swear you could stand me next to a man in full raincoat and galoshes and it would still cross my mind I’m up the duff next time I feel a bit fat and full.

So, yeah, that Christmas I spent a lot of time thinking about babies and becoming a mum... It was the first one we’d spent without the family dog (Jack, RIP) and I figured a toddler would be the next best thing to dress up in novelty reindeer antlers and go crazy for wrapping paper. Yep, motherhood sure would beat the umpteenth game of Scrabble. Not to mention make my annual demands to watch The Muppet Christmas Carol seem a lot less retarded...

However, there was a good deal of drinking to be done, and so I delayed doing a pregnancy test until January 2nd and hence spent my sober moments weighing up the pros and cons of the wretched life ahead of me caring for my horribly booze-damaged baby against a bottle of gin and a hot bath. When it just turned out to be one too many roast potatoes.

I think we can all agree I’m going to make one heck of a mother. Good job I’m back on the pill, eh?

Illustration by Bex.